How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't deserve a penis
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
