I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
