come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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