I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize