I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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