I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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