why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
