rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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