you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
