The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
