Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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