He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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