You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Randomize
