Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My liver is preforming stress tests.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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