'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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