I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
