census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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