I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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