My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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