im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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