Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we're making bets on your personal life
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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