I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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