So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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