Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Is it because I queefed?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
