If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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