Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
