i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
