I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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