I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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