you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
