Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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