I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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