dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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