is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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