Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
