I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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