I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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