How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we made out on top of his cat.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
