apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
