Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
