I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
