He uses pillows to masturbate.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
