i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
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Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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