Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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