Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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