I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
