A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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