i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize