i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
