Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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