Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
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