When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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