I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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