I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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