dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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